i'm really going paranoic about this little thing called "money". i can barely survive for the whole month, meaning if i was put in a desperate situation, i have to depend on somebody else for money. namely my mom. do you know how fucking stupid and embarassing that is for me? and i'm beginning to feel pretty useless of myself coz at this stupid age of 22 i have barely a hundred dollars in my bank by the middle of each month. i should've had a full-time job or maybe one that pays more considering my family's financial problems. yet here i am, not doing anything in that department. on top of that, i owe someone three hundred fucking dollars which is like %$#%^&. whatever that means. saving up money is not easy. can take years. how much longer will it take me to have enough for marriage? yes, marriage. fuck you if you're laughing and mocking me about this coz to me, i should have sufficient money to support myself, for wedding, for married life. and for my family too of course. sole purpose of saving money will have to boil down to all that. for my life anyway. even if my husband will be some rich ass bastard i still would like to have my own savings since i dont wish to depend on other people entirely for money. it just doesn't feel right. i hope by tomorrow i'd feel better about this. or maybe i have to wait till weekends when the babyboy books out coz sometimes he has the most comforting words ever. sigh, money makes the world go round huh. money makes my world (and head) spin, is more like it. ugh this is getting more irritating to prolong this talk about money. i better get some rest while the father is getting his. at the moment anyway. and sorry for this whole chunck of pragraph. can't be bothered.