i think this is the first time in my life, that my motive for the desire to be filthy rich, is to spend my wealth on education. srsly.

i am really back to square one right now. it feels like my dream is being taken away from me. by whom? god i have no idea. it could very well be taken away by me myself, coz if i were to think about it, all decisions are in my hands. the thing is, these decisions are way too risky. i have what i want, but it's not what i need. and if i let this go now, i'm afraid i might lose it all and end up with nothing. nothing. nada. zilch. not even a glimpse of hope. i like the fact that you're pushing me to grab hold of the necessary to mould my own future. it seems like that is exactly what i want, but some part of me is holding myself back. prolly these risks you want me to take, have its own price to pay if i fail, or if my attempt is unsuccessful. i know you hate to hear me say that. but i'm sorry, i'm not all optimistic about things. the way things are going for me now, i see the glass as half empty. i have my parents' expectations to live up to. i think. i can't be selfish and take most of what they need and of what they have left just to feed my own satisfaction. i know if i do well, i can jolly-well repay them. that's what you always say and i agree. it is like an investment. but at the same time, what we have now, might not be sufficient.

i hate my fickle mindset. school starts next Monday and here i am, still contemplating whether to opt for Nafa (since i only have private schools to turn to for a Dip in Graphic Design and they happen to cost way cheaper than any other private institutes). yes, now you know how desperate i am at wanting that specific diploma. sigh. and i'm sorry for blogging about this again and again and again and again and agaaaiinn... good grief!