& the rain just stopped when i was hoping it'd continue till tmr night. sigh. anyway. i cant seem to stop myself frm not updating something here for the 2nd time today. well i guess hitting my fingers on this keyboard is just a pleasant thing to do. :]

so yesterday when i was waiting for mom to get ready to go buy some groceries, she started nagging abt erm.. my future? or prolly just hers. she was complaining that the house is in a mess (which is true, but thats besides the point) & that she's too tired to do the house chores by herself coz her work in the office is worning her out. then she said something that really ticked me off:

"if both of you (me & my elder sis) are already working i would quit my job then can relax. if only you'd been in the express stream.."

& there she goes again abt raking up my failure for my Os. like hellooo knowing that i'd disappointed her like that already tore me up but does she have to keep rubbing more salt against the wound? geez. i know in her eyes i seem like a failure & i dont blame her for that coz throughout my secondary school years my test & exam results have always been a disappointing like hell one. of course she was upset that i was posted to ITE but as days passed she seemed ok with it. & i thought she was, now. but bah! i was wrong to the core.

but look at me now! i dont regret being where i am now, studying at ITE where most people 'look down upon'. & it's not just because im able to see Dear everyday at school but it's because i really enjoy what im currently studying. im not that dumb to just pick whatever course & make my next 2 years of schooling life a rotten living hell. of course there are the stress, but take a look at my grades, mom. though our teachers dint tell us the marks for all of our tests, at least i know that whatever qns that i'd attempted during the tests, are the qns that ive studied for. CMOS is there to prove it. that being my weakest subject, i still managed to ace it for the CMOS Class Test 2. ive never had this much confidence at doing any tests before & whether or not i got my grades high, for now im just happy that i know how to gain such confidence. & motivation too, maybe.

well of course, the reason mom doesnt know abt my test results, is because ive never even told her i have tests to sit for. but i assume she knew, coz sometimes i do mention that i have tests coming up just that i dint exactly mention when. i'd be more than happy to show her the passing grades i got but being the typical mom she is, i assume she'd go, "oh so you passed. but it doesnt matter is it, since youre still in ite." & i repeat that i said i assumed. im not bad-mouthing abt my mom but i really hate it that she is so narrow-minded like that. she's really like one of those typical parents you know. like, no good education, no good job, no future. oh no wait wait, maybe it'd be, no smart-ass brains, no good job, no future. sigh. ive been thinking abt this a lot. i dont care if other people think of me this way but it hurts me more when the person whom i do have pity for, cried at some nights thinking abt her sick conditions, simply talks & thinks of me this way. sometimes i dont think she can see some of the things im capable of doing. what a drag.

i was cool with her already when we'd bought some stuff frm the grocery store. i cant seem to be angry at someone for so long. well sometimes only lah, it depends. it's a good thing i can say this all out to Dear. ive never even mentioned stuff like this to any of my friends. not that i can remember of, anyway. so yeah. it's good also lah that Dear sometimes experience the same thing too so at least we both can work things out for the sake of the both of us. yay.

& to end this entry, i shall say a word thats been playing merry-go-rounds in my head: crikey!



mood chilled
music Helicopter - Bloc Party