as a kid, i always thought i was pretty strong; inside out. like i dont cry myself to sleep every night. or that i worry too much abt myself. but then again, i was still so young & green, thus the nothing-to-worry rule. but still, maybe as a kid, ive been putting layers of worries to my parents & whoever that cares.

as a toddler i used to bite my cousin's (who were ard the same age as i am) hands, coz their baby fats looked so yummylicious that i couldnt help myself. haha. & of course they cried that i assumed they were afraid of me sometimes. but of course now we dont think much of that anyway. it's just a laughing matter now. then when i was in primary school, me & my cousins had a family gathering at my gramp's place & so as kids, we all fooled ard, played in the room & boy, i admit i was behaving rather rough. i remembered the time when i took aki's (dhirah's younger bro) hand & swung him ard me, circling me, & suddenly, WHAM! his head had a heavy impact against the leg of the study table & his head sure bled. i was sooo horribly guilty that i was afraid i might get a terrible scolding frm his parents but theyre nice people so i guess they kinda took it easy on me tho i still think that they were upset that their kid got hurt like that.

& now, i think im not that strong anymore. i began to realise that im emotionally & mentally weak. but maybe thats only because ive grown up so much to experience the different walks of life, exposed to various things that test my way of thinking, perseverence, feelings, you name it. & im prolly not up for all that, thats why i tend to cry to myself over things that worry me too much. be it abt my mom/family, myself, my love life, & not forgetting, my half-dead social life. oh but im still enjoying my life tho, just that it's harder now. it gives me all those unnecessary 'sighs'. but screw that.

what im trying to say is, i dont think ive changed much on the inside. i mean yeah, they say it's better to stay the same no matter how much youve grown, yadayada. but what good does it do, if i still break the heart of others, loading in more worries & upsets to them? & i cant stop blaming myself. idk. but yeah, sometimes when i was being reeeaaally stubborn, then i wouldnt blame everything on myself. but if i think everything back, think things through, i'd come to a conclusion that it all starts with me. arguments wouldnt have occured if it wasnt for me who started it all. maybe i really should shut up & have a chat with my brain before i say anything. meaning i should think well before i act or speak up. but my brain isnt working so well/smart to begin with! geez.

oh well. so much for the drama.
i dont see the glass as half full anymore, anyway.

The cup is not half empty as pessimists say
As far as he sees nothing's left in the cup
A whole cup full of nothing for him to indulge
Since the voice of ambition has long since been shut up
-The Used

& to make it worse, i misplaced my The Used self-titled album cd. argh damnit.
that was once my therapist.



mood blank
music Poetic Tragedy - The Used