ive always thought i knew myself well. ok maybe not soo well, but well enough to know what my capabilities are, my weaknesses, what i like & what i dont, & most importantly, who i truly am. i guess it's safe to say (or rather a cliche) that we teenagers are constantly trying to find our identity, yadayada, & i thought im almost there. but i guess im not even close. i mean i know im the quiet one, keeping stuff to myself, but only to be my real self, exposing my crazy shits to those who im truly comfortable with. i do spout nonsense & lame ass crap that some people dont normally expect me to say. but that only means im ready to be open & not to be so shy/timid ard them & that im comfortable with them. & i also know that i dont sulk easily. like if i feel offended, i'd just hold it in & let it go after awhile coz i try not to make it a big deal. ooh, & as much as i know that i tend to cry a lot, i know i wouldnt let anyone know that i cried, or cry in public, etc.

but only after being with Azri aka my Dear for this long, i realise that i have soo much to learn abt myself. or maybe i dint know this part of me ever existed. i guess for all the time that ive been 'in my own world' & bottling things up, only now that i let it all out. i dont mean vending my anger out to Dear, but more of like.. not hesitating to tell him whats on my mind, being truly honest abt things & all. for example, whenever we had a fight, i never thought i'd always be the one to start the flame & thus got things to a much worse state. i never thought i'd feel offended at some slightest things & actually tell him that, instead of keeping it to myself & forget abt it, like i normally would before i was in a r/s. & i never thought i'd actually dont give a shit abt what others might think of me if they see me crying in public (but of course, i'd try to stop my tears coz i dont want to embarrass Dear). im not looking for attention fyi, i just couldnt help it.

& only after i get to know Dear & having to go thru all the ugly shit ass stuff, did it struck me with multiple qns abt myself; why am i like this? why do i always make Dear upset with me? have i always had this much anger all these while? why do i keep repeating the same mistakes tho it's unintentionally, even after ive apologised? =[

honestly speaking, sometimes it seems to me that apologies are getting old, the phrase im sorry has lost its meaning already. & i hate for the fact that the both of us see it that way too.

but at the same time, being with him has taught me a lot of the 'unseen' things abt myself, & his too. i know everyone's are not mistakes-free, thats why i hope, for the next few mistakes that either of us are to make, it wont be the same mistakes we did in the past. coz that would mean im sorry would have its meaning back.

- - - - -
anyway, he'll be going to Java, Indonesia, during our 3wks holiday in.. 2mths time? he'll be going with his family of course, to visit their relatives there after the Tsunami incident a while ago. & im scared. i wont force him not to go, coz it's only polite to visit their relatives there eventho he doesnt really know them, but i just dont want him to go coz.. im afraid something unpleasant would happen. i know i shouldnt be so pessimistic & think such bad things, but to wish him a safe journey there & back instead, but.. i just cant help it. oh & did i meantion he'll be away for a friggin week??! yess. & there definitely wont be any possible way we can communicate even if it's just by SMS-ing. you know how sad i was when he went for a vacation with his family to KL, but that was only for 3days. & this?? one week, 7 days. fuck. X{

well. i dont wish to mope abt it now. we even promised to only bring this matter up if the time is near. aarrgghh..

sigh. but sadness aside, we'll be heading to Esplanade later @ ard 5, to catch the fireworks. it's cam-whoring session, people.



mood blank
music Naked - Avirl Lavigne