mood sore
music a beautiful tragedy-with broken wings
honestly speaking, i've not been feeling good, or rather not being good at all. for almost 2-3 damn days ive been drenching mysekf in tears. even my pillow's all damp. spent the nights on the phone with dear, both of us venting our angers out at each other. face it, we're both stubborn asses, but the fact is, he's right. im the one at fault, im the one who did wrong. i do realise that & i guess i was mad at myself, so much so that i let it all out at him. which is fucking wrong of course.

i'd rather not talk too much abt our problem, but it has got to do with me hanging out with my friends yesterday, which do involve some of our guy friends.. he wasn't too happy abt it. of course i just see it as me going out with my friends, cos it's been a long time since i go out with them; though it is true that i dont know some of those kids that well yet, but we manage to click right away & now we're all friends. but i guess dear see it the other way. it makes it hard for me to balance out the times i could hang out with my friends, & with dear. i just dont want to be the kind of person that neglects her friends when she has a bf. but when i have the chance to go out with them, the whole thing would just turn out ugly in the end. i feel bad abt myself. i feel so fucking sorry that dear got hurt again. asmuch as im not proud to say this, ive always been the cause to most problems in our r/s. x( i'd love to say shit abt myself right now, but ive promised dear not to say those anymore. at least through all those bad times we'd gone through, he still doesnt let me tear down my self-esteem. to me, that proves he still cares. :')

but last night was the worst breakdown i ever had. it was like 3 in the morning & we were practically yelling at each other, saying that if we still love one another then we should stop saying shits abt ourselves (cos he was beginning to say the same shit abt himself too).. i dunno, we were sort of like yelling but still caring at the same time, y'know? & he said something i never fucking expected he'd say.. through his broken words & sobbings, he said that the only time he'd stop loving me is when.. it's the end of him. actually he said more than that; it's quite tragic for me just to hear it. then we both made each other swore not to do this anymore. it's a bit too personal, so yeah..

but thank god, he forgive & forget. i dint expect him to forgive me that easily after all the fuck ive done. i told him i dont deserve such kindness/forgiveness but he insists. but seriously, he's just amazing. he's not that egoistic like i would expect most guys to be (HAHA typical). he said he has to forgive me sooner or later, so might as well forgive now, right? so he did. i mean imagine, what if i get those typical temperamental narrow-thinking kind of bf; he'd probably ask for a break-up by now. & he's only 16! well turning 17, this year. well the point is he's a year younger than me & yet his mature thinking abt this matter amuses me. FUCK,I FUCKING LOVE YOU,BF.♥ though our problem may not be that serious, i cant forgive myself that easily. ohh, & he said despite the fights we have, his feelings towards me never change.

aaahh, im fucking grateful to have him. so what if he's botak (ive always adored his prev hair). at least he's always there for me. & i am getting veerrryy verryy annoying aren't i? yah thought so. anyway, went esplanade on friday & yesterday.

im too lazy to upload the pics here, but im kind enough to let you view the day-out with dear & the Chingay pics. well we dint go for Chingay actually. LOL. i just name it that cos it's easier. enjoy!

ps: the last pic of the day-out with dear, kawan kau tu ath! rudegirl jr tu. AAHAHA.